Sep 26, 20237 min read

Dying to my Old-Self; Part II- Loss of Faith & Jaguar Medicine

Updated: Oct 16, 2023

Laying it all out to be witnessed….

2023 has been the most challenging year, in its fullness, since I begin my awakening process in 2018 after the death of my partner and love, Lou.

In the past few months my entire world has been shifted and shaken up. What I had desired to be a summer of PLAY and potential romance has been instead become my biggest portal for growth and change. As you might know, growth and change are not always synonymous with JOY and ease.

Instead I have been in deep resistance and fear as I navigate this new cycle.

And OOOF, have I been STRUGGLING.

I AM in a deep grief and healing process as I die to my old self (again). And this rebirth has hit me harder than previous rebirths.

I have felt sad, ANGRY (so very angry), frustrated, overwhelmed, and scared, I have felt deep shame, guilt, grief. But the worst one for me has been HOPELESSNESS. And this hopelessness has led to loss of faith.

The other day I truly didn’t want to get out of bed because I didn’t see the point. I wasn’t suicidal, just bereft in hopelessness.

I realize most of you reading this don’t know me, but that isn’t me. The depth of these emotions are new to me and they paralyzed me. I am no stranger to grief and fear around the future, but hopelessness was NEVER part of my vocabulary.

See, I had this vision, a vision I have been birthing for years with love and persistence, to combine my sacred service in the world with my financial wealth. I LOVE what I do as an energy healer, illuminating others on their pathway to their most healed state, and working with my Galactic Soul Family. It is a deep joy and such Sacred Service. And when I started working with the Arcturians I knew I had found my TRUE purpose in life. I truly believed once I started sharing these amazing frequencies clients would be LINING UP because they are so life changing and amazing!

So I kept signing up for trainings and filling my cup while simultaneously getting myself into A LOT of debt. As I implied above, I truly believed that I would pay back all of the trainings with my clients who would be LINING UP.

And oh my gosh, I want to tell you that since I embarked on this journey sharing my Galactic Encodings with the world, that everything aligned and it all worked out EXACTLY how I envisioned it... BUT THAT WOULD BE A LIE.

And when that didn’t happen I felt like my whole world/life and mission was also a LIE.

It’s hard for me to write this, to share that I’m not a “successful" energy healer with tons of clients.

It’s all I have been wanting and calling in. And while I know there is another plan in place, a better plan, I just couldn’t access that part of me that "trusts" during this process.

All I could access in my mind during this unfolding was “Why am I here if I can't serve using my gifts? What's the ever loving point?”

But the thing about my gifts.

I TRUST my gifts, I TRUST MY GIFTS.

I know what I am doing isn’t working but that knowledge didn’t happen without a fight. I have fought and pushed and held onto my vision SO HARD until I finally found myself in the position where I had to step away and get a job. Oooh, and I have fought long and hard not to get a JOB. JOB = Failure in my outdated belief system.

That’s when the looping internalization started. It felt like I was abandoning my dream. And with that came the guilt, shame, and DEEP grief. I started speaking and talking so negatively about myself and judging myself (and others who I deemed successful) until I was so deep in this negativity I merged with it.

I could NOT see beyond my own suffering and I couldn’t find my way back into my heart.

I have felt so destabilized and panicked (along with that anger) to the point where I actually have had my body expressing physical symptoms and pain. I have been exhausted to the point I can barely attend to my daily needs on my days off, let alone think about showing up for clients.

It has been to the point where even with ALL of my tools and knowledge I had to wave the red flag and send out an S0S cry for help and PAUSE, STOP, and REST.

("I don’t have time for rest, I have a vision to re-build" said my exhausted looping mind)

But ask for help I did. I had to ask for help because I didn’t know what to do or how to support myself. And for me, this is UNPRECEDENTED.

In the deepest depths of my struggles it has felt like a dark veil has been placed over me and I have forgotten all the wisdom I know, of who I AM and why I AM here.

It has felt like a fight for my life.

But I did reach out for help and it was humbling. Again, it felt like failure.

But I did it, and I AM grateful.

I also prayed. A lot.

Why am I sharing this? First and foremost it is to tell you that you are NOT ALONE.

And because Spirit guided me to share this in case you too are overwhelmed and struggling.

If you are struggling and feel like your world has been flipped upside down, if your dream in this lifetime hasn’t worked out the way you envisioned it, if you are feeling lost, stuck, angry and scared please know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I AM here.

I AM walking side by side, hand in hand with you.

I Am able to see clearly enough now that this is a deep INITIATION period for me.

This initiation, this death, is my blueprint back home to myself. My truest self so far.

This initiation is also my blueprint and lens moving forward on how I teach and serve.

I AM walking through this fire to be purified and cleansed of all these old programs and narratives around prosperity and self-worth and self-love so that I can show up for myself and for others with deep compassion and love, having experienced this as such a dark and humbling level.

And I am sharing this with because perhaps you are going through an initiation too.

(you are not alone)

And I want you to know that we go through these initiations to grow, to heal, to purge and to EXPAND. EXPAND into our most healed states and highest timelines. And to REALLY know who we are in our darkest moments.

And ooof, this shit is painful. It is hard. But I trust and know there is a better day coming tomorrow.

FOR ALL OF US.

I AM still in this by the way. I'm not on the other side. But I AM PRAYING. I Am working with my relationships of higher power and I Am reaching out to my friends and fellow healers and asking for help. (THANK YOU ALL btw, THANK YOU)

This process has really made me surrender and give it all up to Spirit and the Divine and step into deeper faith and trust. Trusting that there is a different path, a BETTER path. And in this liminal space of unknowingness, that this is the path forward. And that I AM alway held, loved, protected, and supported.

A few days ago I couldn’t acknowledge or feel any of the above, but here I Am. And, I Am also here for you if you are walking your own path of initiation. I AM here for you wherever you are on your path. I won’t give up on me and I certainly won’t give up on you.

In the Andean Shamanic Cosmology, Jaguar is the organizing principle of the West. The direction of the West represents the “Land of the Dying Sun”.

Jaguar is HEART medicine. We go to the west to die to our old selves, in our heart.

And Jaguar helps us to trace those sources of darkness that live within us and to come back into those golden threads, or "Cekes" in our heart, of MUNAY (love)/unconditional love, self-acceptance, forgiveness, healing and JOY.

I invite you to call upon Jaguar medicine if this resonates. I invite you to connect with me if any of this resonates and you find your struggles to be overwhelming and debilitating.

I can’t promise you this walk will be easy but I can tell you I will be right beside you, holding your hand.

I was just reminded of my own words as I typed this and I will share them below

"I invite you to remember that there are a lot of things more powerful than fear.

YOU are more powerful than fear.

The LOVE inside you is more powerful than fear.

Your Divine Light is More Powerful Than Fear."

I needed that reminder myself. Thank you for reading this. Thank you for being here.

We are humans living the human experience and it’s ok to feel lost, stuck, angry, etc.

And we are all doing the best we can.

Know I love you and am here for you as we all walk each other home.

I will end with deep gratitude for this gift of soul remembrance as I know these obstacles are my path and my gateway to growth. I will keep stepping deeper into trust, faith and surrender.

I will keep loving myself and honoring the wisdom the journey.

I believe BIG shifts are happening for ALL of us and this change can be destabilizing.

Reach out when you need help. I have many resources beyond myself that I AM more than happy to share.

And know this is just the lens of my journey so please take what resonates and leave the rest.

I LOVE YOU.

with grace and gratitude,

Colleen

Edit: Spirit wants me to remind you that your relationships of higher power are here for you too. You just need to ask for help. They will come. (something I had to be reminded of because I felt abandoned for awhile, but I realized it was me who abandoned myself)

And sidenote, I LOVE my new JOB. Thank you Spirit!

(read my original “Dying to My Old Self” post HERE)

Dying to my Old-Self; Part II- Loss of Faith & Jaguar Medicine

Laying it all out to be witnessed….

2023 has been the most challenging year, in its fullness, since I begin my awakening process in 2018 after the death of my partner and love, Lou.

In the past few months my entire world has been shifted and shaken up. What I had desired to be a summer of PLAY and potential romance has been instead become my biggest portal for growth and change. As you might know, growth and change are not always synonymous with JOY and ease.

Instead I have been in deep resistance and fear as I navigate this new cycle.

And OOOF, have I been STRUGGLING.

I AM in a deep grief and healing process as I die to my old self (again). And this rebirth has hit me harder than previous rebirths.

I have felt sad, ANGRY (so very angry), frustrated, overwhelmed, and scared, I have felt deep shame, guilt, grief. But the worst one for me has been HOPELESSNESS. And this hopelessness has led to loss of faith.

The other day I truly didn’t want to get out of bed because I didn’t see the point. I wasn’t suicidal, just bereft in hopelessness.

I realize most of you reading this don’t know me, but that isn’t me. The depth of these emotions are new to me and they paralyzed me. I am no stranger to grief and fear around the future, but hopelessness was NEVER part of my vocabulary.

So I kept signing up for trainings and filling my cup while simultaneously getting myself into A LOT of debt. As I implied above, I truly believed that I would pay back all of the trainings with my clients who would be LINING UP.

And oh my gosh, I want to tell you that since I embarked on this journey sharing my Galactic Encodings with the world, that everything aligned and it all worked out EXACTLY how I envisioned it... BUT THAT WOULD BE A LIE.

And when that didn’t happen I felt like my whole world/life and mission was also a LIE.

It’s hard for me to write this, to share that I’m not a “successful" energy healer with tons of clients.

It’s all I have been wanting and calling in. And while I know there is another plan in place, a better plan, I just couldn’t access that part of me that "trusts" during this process.

All I could access in my mind during this unfolding was “Why am I here if I can't serve using my gifts? What's the ever loving point?”

But the thing about my gifts.

I TRUST my gifts, I TRUST MY GIFTS.

I could NOT see beyond my own suffering and I couldn’t find my way back into my heart.

I have felt so destabilized and panicked (along with that anger) to the point where I actually have had my body expressing physical symptoms and pain. I have been exhausted to the point I can barely attend to my daily needs on my days off, let alone think about showing up for clients.

It has been to the point where even with ALL of my tools and knowledge I had to wave the red flag and send out an S0S cry for help and PAUSE, STOP, and REST.

("I don’t have time for rest, I have a vision to re-build" said my exhausted looping mind)

But ask for help I did. I had to ask for help because I didn’t know what to do or how to support myself. And for me, this is UNPRECEDENTED.

In the deepest depths of my struggles it has felt like a dark veil has been placed over me and I have forgotten all the wisdom I know, of who I AM and why I AM here.

It has felt like a fight for my life.

But I did reach out for help and it was humbling. Again, it felt like failure.

But I did it, and I AM grateful.

I also prayed. A lot.

Why am I sharing this? First and foremost it is to tell you that you are NOT ALONE.

And because Spirit guided me to share this in case you too are overwhelmed and struggling.

If you are struggling and feel like your world has been flipped upside down, if your dream in this lifetime hasn’t worked out the way you envisioned it, if you are feeling lost, stuck, angry and scared please know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I AM here.

I AM walking side by side, hand in hand with you.

I Am able to see clearly enough now that this is a deep INITIATION period for me.

This initiation, this death, is my blueprint back home to myself. My truest self so far.

This initiation is also my blueprint and lens moving forward on how I teach and serve.

I AM walking through this fire to be purified and cleansed of all these old programs and narratives around prosperity and self-worth and self-love so that I can show up for myself and for others with deep compassion and love, having experienced this as such a dark and humbling level.

And I am sharing this with because perhaps you are going through an initiation too.

(you are not alone)

And I want you to know that we go through these initiations to grow, to heal, to purge and to EXPAND. EXPAND into our most healed states and highest timelines. And to REALLY know who we are in our darkest moments.

And ooof, this shit is painful. It is hard. But I trust and know there is a better day coming tomorrow.

FOR ALL OF US.

I AM still in this by the way. I'm not on the other side. But I AM PRAYING. I Am working with my relationships of higher power and I Am reaching out to my friends and fellow healers and asking for help. (THANK YOU ALL btw, THANK YOU)

A few days ago I couldn’t acknowledge or feel any of the above, but here I Am. And, I Am also here for you if you are walking your own path of initiation. I AM here for you wherever you are on your path. I won’t give up on me and I certainly won’t give up on you.

In the Andean Shamanic Cosmology, Jaguar is the organizing principle of the West. The direction of the West represents the “Land of the Dying Sun”.

Jaguar is HEART medicine. We go to the west to die to our old selves, in our heart.

And Jaguar helps us to trace those sources of darkness that live within us and to come back into those golden threads, or "Cekes" in our heart, of MUNAY (love)/unconditional love, self-acceptance, forgiveness, healing and JOY.

I invite you to call upon Jaguar medicine if this resonates. I invite you to connect with me if any of this resonates and you find your struggles to be overwhelming and debilitating.

I can’t promise you this walk will be easy but I can tell you I will be right beside you, holding your hand.

I was just reminded of my own words as I typed this and I will share them below

"I invite you to remember that there are a lot of things more powerful than fear.

YOU are more powerful than fear.

The LOVE inside you is more powerful than fear.

Your Divine Light is More Powerful Than Fear."

I needed that reminder myself. Thank you for reading this. Thank you for being here.

We are humans living the human experience and it’s ok to feel lost, stuck, angry, etc.

And we are all doing the best we can.

Know I love you and am here for you as we all walk each other home.

I will end with deep gratitude for this gift of soul remembrance as I know these obstacles are my path and my gateway to growth. I will keep stepping deeper into trust, faith and surrender.

I will keep loving myself and honoring the wisdom the journey.

I believe BIG shifts are happening for ALL of us and this change can be destabilizing.

Reach out when you need help. I have many resources beyond myself that I AM more than happy to share.

And know this is just the lens of my journey so please take what resonates and leave the rest.

I LOVE YOU.

with grace and gratitude,

Colleen

Edit: Spirit wants me to remind you that your relationships of higher power are here for you too. You just need to ask for help. They will come. (something I had to be reminded of because I felt abandoned for awhile, but I realized it was me who abandoned myself)

And sidenote, I LOVE my new JOB. Thank you Spirit!

(read my original “Dying to My Old Self” post HERE)

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